


Sherlock and John go to ASDA

by TheBannedAuthor



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Deductions, Gen, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-02-11
Packaged: 2018-01-11 23:10:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBannedAuthor/pseuds/TheBannedAuthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John drags Sherlock out of the flat for a little while and they go to ASDA. And of course, in his boredom, Sherlock takes notice of a particularly rude customer who is trying to get away with selling back an "new" item that has clearly been used. This is dedicated to my mom, who has had customers like this try to rip her off and had no Sherlock Holmes to come to her rescue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sherlock and John go to ASDA

**Sherlock and John go to ASDA**

[the doors automatically open and John Watson walks into ASDA. He looks behind him and sighs]

JOHN: Sherlock, get in here.

[there is a moment before Sherlock Holmes shuffles through the doors, a sour-grape expression on his face]

SHERLOCK: I told you, John. I never shop at these places.

JOHN: You never shop at all.

SHERLOCK: Shopping bores me. It’s too dull.

JOHN: Look, Mrs. Hudson said the painters would be done around two. We just have to amuse ourselves until then.

SHERLOCK: If we wanted to truly amuse ourselves we would have done what I suggested.

JOHN: For the last time, we are not bothering Lestrade when he’s not working. It is his day off.

SHERLOCK: He barely works on his day on.

JOHN: [sighs and shakes his head] Look, I need to get a few things for the flat. Will you just stay here by the counter and wait without causing a scene?

SHERLOCK: Since when do I ever cause a scene? [he slightly smirks]

[John only rolls his eyes and turns to walk away. Sherlock leans against the service center counter, looking bored. He finds himself looking over at a queue that has formed in front of the one register that is open. A young woman is helping out customers there. His eyes narrow on her name tag ‘Tessa’ as he beings to analyze her. She smiles at every customer and is quite efficient at her work.]

[Sherlock gets bored again, the woman is too ordinary. He next looks at the line and he focuses on a man, who is carrying a lockbox. The lockbox is dusted with cobwebs. Sherlock’s eyebrows raise. What is he doing in the returns line? The man finally steps up to the counter and puts the lockbox on the counter.]

TESSA: Good morning, how can I help you?

MALE CUSTOMER: Hi. I bought a new chainsaw here a couple days ago. My old one crapped out on me. But this new one isn’t working.

TESSA: Can I see the item, please?

MALE CUSTOMER: Of course. [he takes the chainsaw out of the lockbox. There is rust and dust covering the blade, the name of the brand on the side of the blade ‘POULAN 16-inch’ had faded so Sherlock could only see the letter ‘P’.]

TESSA: [her eyes narrow in suspicion. She still keeps her smile as she asks] Do you have your receipt?

[The corner of Sherlock’s mouth lifts. He knows she’s not fooled. The male customer hands over his receipt and Tessa checks if the serial number on the receipt matches the one on the chainsaw] 

TESSA: Do you still have the box that this came in, sir?

MALE CUSTOMER: Yes, it’s at home. I didn’t think I’d need to bring it.

TESSA: Mhmm…. [she looks up at him] the serial number on this doesn’t match the one on the receipt.

MALE CUSTOMER: …excuse me?

TESSA: I’m sorry sir. I’m going to have to call a member of management for this.

MALE CUSTOMER: If you do that am I still going to get my money back?

TESSA: We’ll do what we can for you, sir. [she picks up the phone]

MALE CUSTOMER: [frowns] This is ridiculous! I have a receipt! You can see it right there that I bought a chainsaw two days ago!

TESSA: Please, sir. Just let me call a member of management and they can help you.

MALE CUSTOMER: Yeah, you do that. [huffs] And I’ll make sure that the company hears about this.

[Sherlock can’t help himself. He walks over toward the line and right up to the desk.]

SHERLOCK: Excuse me, but I don’t think you should speak to her like that.

MALE CUSTOMER: [looks at Sherlock] And who the hell are you?

SHERLOCK: Sherlock Holmes. [the people in line start to mutter in surprise] Yes, I know, surprised to see me? [he grins slightly and then turns back toward the man] Do you know how insulting you’re being?

MALE CUSTOMER: Wha-what did you just say?

SHERLOCK: Everyone in this line knows you most certainly did not buy that chainsaw two days ago. You know, I know, she knows. Really it’s an insult to her intelligence that you’re trying to pass this off for a new item. She’s just too polite to say so, and she most likely does not want to lose her job. [looks at Tessa] They really should change that ‘customer is always right’ policy. Unless the customer is me, that is usually quite untrue.

[Tessa looks slightly shocked and the male customer gapes at Sherlock]

MALE CUSTOMER: I have a receipt! [turns to Tessa] Why aren’t you calling the bloody security guards on this nutter?

SHERLOCK: You bought this chainsaw at least a year ago and have used approximately two dozen times since then, causing the tool to develop wear. Perhaps you were getting rid of a few bushes from the front yard that your wife didn’t like. The rust, now where did that come from? It hasn’t rained since last Tuesday. But it certainly was a rainy summer we had last year. Did you know your shed has a leak in it? [the man starts to speak but Sherlock drives right over him] I suppose you would not considering the state of the lockbox. Your wife must be the one who does the cleaning, but she doesn’t touch the shed does she? No, that’s your job, but obviously you’ll do anything to get out of responsibility. Just like at this moment.

MALE CUSTOMER: How dare you say that about me-

SHERLOCK: You bought a chainsaw two days ago, yes, but not this one. That one you have safely at home, with the box, since you knew the serial numbers did not match on the box and chainsaw and that would have been a dead giveaway. At least to someone not as smart as this woman right here [nods at Tessa], she handled it much kinder than she really should have. She should have been calling the guards on you for trying to sell back a worthless item and steal from the store. Now that is breaking the law and I happen to know the Detective Inspector and I’m sure he’d like to know about your fraudulence and attempt at burglary.

[after Sherlock’s deduction, the male customer begins to stammer, unable to come up with a coherent response. The people in the queue stare at the man as does Tessa, who has a small smile on her face]

MALE CUSTOMER: B-b-burglary?!

SHERLOCK: I suggest you leave this kind woman alone. And take your chainsaw with you. You may file it away in the rubbish bin outside.

[the male customer stares at Sherlock for a few more seconds before placing the chainsaw back in the box, picking it up and hurrying away. Sherlock looks back at Tessa.]

SHERLOCK: Good day, ma’am. [he nods at her and turns away]

TESSA: [a bit in a daze] Good day- wait! [she shouts that out as Sherlock begins to turn away] I…I just- thank you [she leans closer to him so the other customers don’t hear]. Thank you very much, sir. That’s the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me here.

SHERLOCK: [raises his eyebrow, he isn’t sure what to think of her private gratitude] …you’re welcome. [he gives her his fake “smile for the people”] I don’t think you’ll have any other trouble with this lot. [he winks and walks away]

[John is standing right behind him, his arms crossed]

SHERLOCK: [pauses] How long have you been standing there?

JOHN: Around the point when you said you’re the only customer that’s ever been right.

SHERLOCK: That man was not only insulting that woman’s intelligence he was breaking the law.

JOHN: You were talking to him like he committed a serious felony.

SHERLOCK: Same thing. [spots the male customer talking to a couple guards and pointing at him, out of the corner of his eye] John.

JOHN: [glances over and sees the guards walking toward them] Right. Let’s go. [they start to walk away] We should hurry. We don’t want to get arrested when the only detective who can stand you is on his day off and can’t get us out.

SHERLOCK: It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to stay the night in a holding cell.

THE END


End file.
